Saturday, December 24, 2016

Day 17 - Bring on the Holidays

Yesterday and today has been a mad house in getting the house ready for the parentals. Both sets are coming and it has just been a mad house around here. Planning meals, spending tons of money on groceries and alcohol, cleaning, washing, drying, on and on and on. It was stressful, But again, I know this must begin to sound boring and repetitive, but I kept calm.

My parents arrived and usually in the past (as recent as Labor Day), it is met with anxiety and nervousness. See, my Mom is a professional critic - at least she should have been. Imagine the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond. Yeah. Exactly.

This time - (i know) calm. It was pleasant actually.

We tackled homemade lasagna - and i mean legit homemade. Made the noodles by hand, homemade sauce and it was a messy disaster and delicious! Sure, there was flour all over the place, dough on the floor (and cleaners had just come that day), but it was a heck of a lot of fun and i didn't  care. I took the sweeper after and cleaned up and we had a really enjoyable dinner.

It's a testament - and a positive sign considering the next set of parents are about to arrive. Tomorrow will be a challenge - the ultimate challenge. Praying that all will be fine. I know you may be laughing - it's Christmas, everyone has people over and gets anxious...well for me, that meant drinking and being a grinch. I don't want that this year. I want this to be proper.

Day 16 - Back on Track

Today was good. I spent the entire day at home, albeit working away and having phone calls - which just annoyed the heck out of me. I am on day 3 of my holiday and i've gone into the office twice and on the phone for the 3rd. Just stressing me out and can only imagine how i would be if I wasn't being helped. I probably would be drinking heavily and depressed. I handled today well despite all the concerns. I even punted and said "we will regroup tomorrow morning" - yeah, I know a fourth day and on the phone again, but i just had enough.

I felt good though.

Night time was great though - made a delicious dinner with the mrs and we went driving around to look at Christmas lights. The place we planned to go to was actually closed and my wife got super annoyed, but I kept her calm - saying "it's going to be ok". The medication was back in action! She was fuming non stop and i just kept saying "it's not a big deal, there are lights in neighborhoods we can go see". It helped calm her as well.

Nighttime was good - intimate again, so that whole concern seems to be out the window (thank God).

Day 15 - Relapse

Well, didn't I just jinx myself. After going into work for the HR issue, I came home and forgot to take my medicine at the required time (730). It wasn't until 10 that I remembered and I thought - ok, this isn't bad, not like I'm feeling any different.

Well, that was to change.

Since taking the medicine, I've been extremely calm driving. Prior to that, I was an aggressive driver and would yell at people a lot (think i've mentioned this before). Well immediately after taking my medicine, i had to go to the store. I lost it. People driving slow and people leaving the carts in the middle of all the aisles at the store. I caught myself driving home going "damn, wtf is wrong with me?" I took a few deep breaths to try to calm down, and I did after unpacking and was relieved. I thought I would have lost all the effort from the last 2 weeks....

I will never be late again.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Day 14 - At work during the holidays

Day 14:

Had to go into work today and take a pretty awful call for work - basically our project has hit another roadblock and the data we were provided was wrong. Regardless, I held it together - felt the anxiety creep in, but I was able to keep it at bay.

I left around 10am and went home to enjoy some down time finally - my missus is sick so it was nice to have the energy to clean up the house and take care of her - i am finding that i have been having steady energy throughout the days now (except for the nights I don't sleep and when i eat red onions the night before). The afternoon went fine and we made a bean stew together for dinner - it was a lot of fun getting back to cooling with the mrs on a day off.

Unfortunately, I didn't sleep well that night - with her sick and my mind on work (had to go in at 7am the next day for an HR issue).

Overall, I still am enjoying the effects and think now, after 2 solid weeks, it is becoming more of a natural feeling. We shall see...

Monday, December 19, 2016

Day 13 - More Insonia

What a restless night. Woke up again at 3am with restless legs and had to get up and walk around for a bit in order to calm it down. Did some flights of stairs even!

Managed to fall back asleep, but it wasn't good sleep and as a result my entire day felt like a fog. It was just challenging to wake up and then work didn't really help out either. A lot of stress with the projects and it was one of the first days where I felt like I wasn't taking anything - it as tough to combat the tiredness and stress at work. Add on the fact that I had to have a difficult review conversation with a direct report, it truly made the day one of the hardest since starting.

One new side effect I had today was cold sweats. They happened maybe 3 or 4 times today and I never really get "flushed" to the extent where i'm actually sweating. So, somewhat concerning, but still understandable and something I take in stride.

Regardless, I still managed to plow through the day, came home and unwound. I have been falling asleep early on the couch the past few days, but today, whilst yawning, I'm not eager to jump upstairs or fall asleep. Rather, I'm more interested and focused on writing here and making sure the day is captured.

I have a lot of anxiety around work lately, but have found that I haven't been letting it get to me. While today I felt like I wasn't on anything, I think that the exhaustion has more to do with that than anything else. So, my hope is that a good sleep tonight will solve that hurdle. Will be an early day tomorrow, but in the end, a half day and back home I will be to hopefully enjoy the start of the holidays.

We shall see - just really hoping to no restless legs tonight.

Day 12 - Restless Legs

Today was an interesting day - I woke up sleepy, but my legs have been ridiculously restless in the mornings now and I had to get up and walk around. Got back to the old days and made pancakes for our daughter and ran some errands before meeting up with the family and friends for lunch. It felt great to be back in the rhythm of things.

We ended up eating too much at lunch and so all of us came home and just lazed around the house - a perfect Sunday afternoon if you ask me. It really felt great to just be calm and not anxious about anything. I didn't like the lack of energy, but I did like comfort of having the family around me and just being us - I hadn't felt that in quite some time. 

Nighttime was fine. I woke up again at 3am, which has been a consistent pattern (better than midnight), but again my legs were going crazy. Took me a while to get back to sleep. 

Apologies for the short day's entry, but in all reality, nothing much really happened - so no entry! A day of rest, if you will.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Day 11 - Solid Saturday

Hello again.

Had a great weekend for the first time in a while - well at least a start to the weekend. Woke up just fine, a little groggy, but it was the first time in a while where we did a lot as a family and then even left some time for mum and dad to enjoy themselves.

I hardly ever want to leave the house on the weekend - especially over the past few years. But, we all went to Target together (what's a weekend without a Target run, right?) and it was great. We came home, made some lunch together using leftovers of the breaded chicken I made the other night (homemade pasta night) and just relaxed while waiting to go to a birthday party. It was really fun. Even doing normal things like picking up the house was enjoyable - I really am seeing that I am getting closer to my old self.

The birthday party was fun - G didn't behave to well at the end and so we had some choice words, but again, I've been keeping calm throughout all of these encounters. Really really calm.

We came home and got ready for date night (yearly run to a fancy fancy place where we dress up and spend a bunch of $) - the babysitter arrived on time and we left - and totally just felt comfortable. Normally, I would feel anxious about all the plans we had to do that day (Target, Party, Sitter, Dinner), but i was totally relaxed, but still alert.

That is something I'd like to stress - while I keep saying I'm just isn't that that I don't care, and can't process; rather it is that I do it calmly. I still know everything we need to do, but it just doesn't make me as anxious. And, when I recognize that, it's even more relaxing. Basically, I don't fret over every single minute leading up to an event. It's awesome!

Dinner was delicious - came home, cuddled in bed and passed out. Solid Saturday.