Saturday, December 24, 2016

Day 17 - Bring on the Holidays

Yesterday and today has been a mad house in getting the house ready for the parentals. Both sets are coming and it has just been a mad house around here. Planning meals, spending tons of money on groceries and alcohol, cleaning, washing, drying, on and on and on. It was stressful, But again, I know this must begin to sound boring and repetitive, but I kept calm.

My parents arrived and usually in the past (as recent as Labor Day), it is met with anxiety and nervousness. See, my Mom is a professional critic - at least she should have been. Imagine the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond. Yeah. Exactly.

This time - (i know) calm. It was pleasant actually.

We tackled homemade lasagna - and i mean legit homemade. Made the noodles by hand, homemade sauce and it was a messy disaster and delicious! Sure, there was flour all over the place, dough on the floor (and cleaners had just come that day), but it was a heck of a lot of fun and i didn't  care. I took the sweeper after and cleaned up and we had a really enjoyable dinner.

It's a testament - and a positive sign considering the next set of parents are about to arrive. Tomorrow will be a challenge - the ultimate challenge. Praying that all will be fine. I know you may be laughing - it's Christmas, everyone has people over and gets anxious...well for me, that meant drinking and being a grinch. I don't want that this year. I want this to be proper.

Day 16 - Back on Track

Today was good. I spent the entire day at home, albeit working away and having phone calls - which just annoyed the heck out of me. I am on day 3 of my holiday and i've gone into the office twice and on the phone for the 3rd. Just stressing me out and can only imagine how i would be if I wasn't being helped. I probably would be drinking heavily and depressed. I handled today well despite all the concerns. I even punted and said "we will regroup tomorrow morning" - yeah, I know a fourth day and on the phone again, but i just had enough.

I felt good though.

Night time was great though - made a delicious dinner with the mrs and we went driving around to look at Christmas lights. The place we planned to go to was actually closed and my wife got super annoyed, but I kept her calm - saying "it's going to be ok". The medication was back in action! She was fuming non stop and i just kept saying "it's not a big deal, there are lights in neighborhoods we can go see". It helped calm her as well.

Nighttime was good - intimate again, so that whole concern seems to be out the window (thank God).

Day 15 - Relapse

Well, didn't I just jinx myself. After going into work for the HR issue, I came home and forgot to take my medicine at the required time (730). It wasn't until 10 that I remembered and I thought - ok, this isn't bad, not like I'm feeling any different.

Well, that was to change.

Since taking the medicine, I've been extremely calm driving. Prior to that, I was an aggressive driver and would yell at people a lot (think i've mentioned this before). Well immediately after taking my medicine, i had to go to the store. I lost it. People driving slow and people leaving the carts in the middle of all the aisles at the store. I caught myself driving home going "damn, wtf is wrong with me?" I took a few deep breaths to try to calm down, and I did after unpacking and was relieved. I thought I would have lost all the effort from the last 2 weeks....

I will never be late again.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Day 14 - At work during the holidays

Day 14:

Had to go into work today and take a pretty awful call for work - basically our project has hit another roadblock and the data we were provided was wrong. Regardless, I held it together - felt the anxiety creep in, but I was able to keep it at bay.

I left around 10am and went home to enjoy some down time finally - my missus is sick so it was nice to have the energy to clean up the house and take care of her - i am finding that i have been having steady energy throughout the days now (except for the nights I don't sleep and when i eat red onions the night before). The afternoon went fine and we made a bean stew together for dinner - it was a lot of fun getting back to cooling with the mrs on a day off.

Unfortunately, I didn't sleep well that night - with her sick and my mind on work (had to go in at 7am the next day for an HR issue).

Overall, I still am enjoying the effects and think now, after 2 solid weeks, it is becoming more of a natural feeling. We shall see...

Monday, December 19, 2016

Day 13 - More Insonia

What a restless night. Woke up again at 3am with restless legs and had to get up and walk around for a bit in order to calm it down. Did some flights of stairs even!

Managed to fall back asleep, but it wasn't good sleep and as a result my entire day felt like a fog. It was just challenging to wake up and then work didn't really help out either. A lot of stress with the projects and it was one of the first days where I felt like I wasn't taking anything - it as tough to combat the tiredness and stress at work. Add on the fact that I had to have a difficult review conversation with a direct report, it truly made the day one of the hardest since starting.

One new side effect I had today was cold sweats. They happened maybe 3 or 4 times today and I never really get "flushed" to the extent where i'm actually sweating. So, somewhat concerning, but still understandable and something I take in stride.

Regardless, I still managed to plow through the day, came home and unwound. I have been falling asleep early on the couch the past few days, but today, whilst yawning, I'm not eager to jump upstairs or fall asleep. Rather, I'm more interested and focused on writing here and making sure the day is captured.

I have a lot of anxiety around work lately, but have found that I haven't been letting it get to me. While today I felt like I wasn't on anything, I think that the exhaustion has more to do with that than anything else. So, my hope is that a good sleep tonight will solve that hurdle. Will be an early day tomorrow, but in the end, a half day and back home I will be to hopefully enjoy the start of the holidays.

We shall see - just really hoping to no restless legs tonight.

Day 12 - Restless Legs

Today was an interesting day - I woke up sleepy, but my legs have been ridiculously restless in the mornings now and I had to get up and walk around. Got back to the old days and made pancakes for our daughter and ran some errands before meeting up with the family and friends for lunch. It felt great to be back in the rhythm of things.

We ended up eating too much at lunch and so all of us came home and just lazed around the house - a perfect Sunday afternoon if you ask me. It really felt great to just be calm and not anxious about anything. I didn't like the lack of energy, but I did like comfort of having the family around me and just being us - I hadn't felt that in quite some time. 

Nighttime was fine. I woke up again at 3am, which has been a consistent pattern (better than midnight), but again my legs were going crazy. Took me a while to get back to sleep. 

Apologies for the short day's entry, but in all reality, nothing much really happened - so no entry! A day of rest, if you will.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Day 11 - Solid Saturday

Hello again.

Had a great weekend for the first time in a while - well at least a start to the weekend. Woke up just fine, a little groggy, but it was the first time in a while where we did a lot as a family and then even left some time for mum and dad to enjoy themselves.

I hardly ever want to leave the house on the weekend - especially over the past few years. But, we all went to Target together (what's a weekend without a Target run, right?) and it was great. We came home, made some lunch together using leftovers of the breaded chicken I made the other night (homemade pasta night) and just relaxed while waiting to go to a birthday party. It was really fun. Even doing normal things like picking up the house was enjoyable - I really am seeing that I am getting closer to my old self.

The birthday party was fun - G didn't behave to well at the end and so we had some choice words, but again, I've been keeping calm throughout all of these encounters. Really really calm.

We came home and got ready for date night (yearly run to a fancy fancy place where we dress up and spend a bunch of $) - the babysitter arrived on time and we left - and totally just felt comfortable. Normally, I would feel anxious about all the plans we had to do that day (Target, Party, Sitter, Dinner), but i was totally relaxed, but still alert.

That is something I'd like to stress - while I keep saying I'm just isn't that that I don't care, and can't process; rather it is that I do it calmly. I still know everything we need to do, but it just doesn't make me as anxious. And, when I recognize that, it's even more relaxing. Basically, I don't fret over every single minute leading up to an event. It's awesome!

Dinner was delicious - came home, cuddled in bed and passed out. Solid Saturday.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Day 10 - Let the good times roll

Today so far has been uneventful, but one interesting thing is that I forgot to take my medicine on time - I was about an hour late and didn't even notice. Typically, I've been so focused on remembering that it was somewhat distracting - but not today - I completely let it slip. I'm not sure why that is important to me, but I feel that it is a sign that I'm not dependent on the medication. I know, early on, not even 2 weeks in and it takes a month to take effect, but I still like to think positive.

Took a half day today at work and came home to relax thinking the missus would be home as well, but she got stuck at a work party. So, just me and the cat and I'm catching up on the journal, ensuring I document how I'm feeling. Another thing I'm noticing is that I'm not documenting as much as I set out to do - which isn't a sign of laziness as I've been feeling more full of energy than ever before. Rather, it is a sign that I don't need to analyze everything to see what could be positively affecting / negatively affecting my mood - I simply feel good.

I'll revisit this later on today as the night plays out. Just got news we need $1K in new tires, but, again, I'm calm.


It is now Day 11, but I would like to finish Day 10 as I continue to see the positives happening. My wife came home with the little one and dinner was on the cards. I took control - made chicken stir fry and it was damn good and fun to be back into cooking. Cornstarch on the chicken is the secret - we learned that from Blue Apron - phenomenal.

Had some drinks like usual and fell asleep on the couch watching Frosty on TV. Woke up, took shower, bathed G and - the side effect which worried me so, no longer worries me. It was a good night. And that, is that.

Day 9 - Nature's Turn

Today was interesting and further evidence that I am on the right path.

This morning we had severe snow storm come through. My wife's school was closed, so I left earlish (6am) and started the drive in. Once on the highway, it became a whiteout. I got off on the first exist, spun a bit, went to get back on the highway to go back home, spun on the onramp, missed the actual highway and went down a side road (following the car in front of me), slipped on black ice and nearly had the truck behind me hit me - but kept my cool the entire time.

Stayed at home with the mrs all day and had a few meetings to prepare for which the team knew would be bad. but, again, I kept my anxiety to a minimum and handled the meetings just fine and everything was a success.

But, the true test was at night when my wife was at a school play and I went to make homemade pasta with the pasta maker we just got. First issue, cracked all the eggs into a plate for breading chicken and i need an egg for the pasta. Ok, I got some out and put it in the recipe. I thought i poured everything in at once like the bread machine, but you don't. So, the first time I go to use it, I get an error message. and all the dough got clogged in the disc which molds the pasta. Great. Ok. Get it going again, but it was too dry. So, stop again, add more liquid and start over again. Finally, it worked just fine. Now normally, I would have been cursing and screaming and banging out of frustration why things aren't going my way - now - i'm just calm and collected and work through it all. It turned out fantastic.

It got me thinking on something the psychiatrist told me for a year - so, what? So. What. I never could just let things go - I would dwell so much on them; I would bring it up over and over again. Now, I recognize what's bothering me and solve it - just like i used to do.

I still don't know what triggered all this depression - i think it was a series of events; but I'm glad I've been man enough to recognize it and manage it. If this is a placebo effect - wonderful - I don't really care. I'm really enjoying being back.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Day 8: Week 2 Begins

Last night I had a great time putting my daughter away alone and having a drink while waiting for my wife to return for a late night work event. We went to bed and I slept rather well, despite having a cat in-between us.

This morning, I felt really well - I wasn't exhausted and had no signs of nauseousness. On the drive to work, I consciously noticed that I am a different person. I used to be so angry at people going slow in the left lane - to the point where I would yell so loud in my own space. I think back and wonder "wtf was I doing?". Now, while it still annoys the heck out of me, I am calm. I don't shout, I don't fidget in my seat - I simply go around them like i used to do, beep my horn and get their attention, and keep on going. But, I do not get worked up anymore.

Sign number 2 this is working - this morning we got news that our shower replacement will cost $3,400. This is a 2-year old house which we built with Pulte and it's had its moments. 1) a fire happened across the street (Pulte was in construction) and our siding was ruined - insurance $1.6K. 2) a snow plow plows into our garage (they will pay, but this was at 4am in the morning and we need it fixed), 3) shower leaked - a $3.4K repair to have it replaced completely.


Yes, this morning, hearing that news wasn't ideal, but I remained calm; I thought logically through it rather than spiraling down a zillion paths (much like my wife did - which i completely, whole heartedly, understand). But, the fact that I was calm - it really emphasized that everything is better now - THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

The rest of the day went well - meetings were held and I felt more aware and concentrated during them. We had obstacles thrown our way from the client and I remained calm and navigated through them when normally i would spiral (yep, thats what i do) again and give up. Instead, I gave direction and felt good about where we ended.

In the end, I definitely am feeling better in my mind after being on "the meds". I have had the side effects, but the headaches have passed. Diarrhea has been present now for two days, however I think my "single parent dinner" last night of homemade nachos with mozzarella cheese which smelled a bit off may be the cause! :-P  Yes, you will get to know me through this journey - I am a foodie snob, but when it comes to it, nothing beats nachos! haha!

Tonight - feeling awake again - the same insomnia I felt the first few days...I'm tired, but not feeling exhausted like I used to.

Looking forward to a good sleep tonight. Normal dinner and drinks tonight. Took my BP and I was at 136/87 - which is a relief after being at the dr with 147/100 when prescribed Prozac.

Signing off everyone - meals today were nachos for lunch and pasta with tomato sauce for dinner. I forgot to mention that I have noticed a reduction in appetite lately (not complaining - i could use it for sure!).

Good night!

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Day 7: Round 1

And I'm in a week.

Woke up better today - despite being woken up at 915pm on the couch the night before by our 4 year old looking for us; and then a further 3 times by the same 4 year old asking for us to find her stuffed animal friends.

So - definitely woke up sleep deprived. But, regardless - I didn't sleep well when was asleep. I was definitely thirsty most the night - maybe from the dinner - but dinner wasn't that salty.

I wasn't hungry at all all day - didn't eat a thing until coming home and making dinner for my daughter and I (wife was working late). I had a drink and made dinner and am feeling ok. I actually am getting a sensation of being awake right now - it's 845pm and normally i would be going up around 9pm to get ready for bed (we wake up at 5am every day), but i am not really sure i'm feeling that right now. I'm focused on getting this blog up and running so others can read.

I apologize that this isn't more structured - I'll work on that in the coming days so that we can truly track it. Should have done that from the start, but the whole issue i have didn't make me want to do it - seriously, i'm a data centric person and for me to haphazardly write without a structure or data is frustrating me. But, that's the whole point of this, right?? Get me back to being me??

Let's do this!

Day 6: A True First Test


House shakes.

Snow plow drove into our garage.

Queue the anger, the instant gutted feeling and depression avalanche.


Helped the guy hammer the garage back into place in order to be able to lift it up and get to work. Waited to hear back from the people - came home, they made it operational and they are going to replace the door.

Not too shabby. And relieving.

Work was fine. Had a rough meeting in the morning, but I am continuously amazed by the calm I am feeling. Normally I would have been high strung and freaking out, but instead, I was collected - and not in a bad way...I still cared, was still alert and wanted to make things better - I just was not filled of anxiety.

I did get a headache halfway through the morning, took some Advil and it went away quickly. It seems that this is a constant thing - a light ache during stressful times. I'll take that vs the anxiety I used to feel.

I'm starting to feel less of the immediate effects and am wondering if this is starting to settle more with my head. Still having bad bathroom visits, but that could be a result of the stouts i had on Sunday (tend to have the reaction).

Ate a decently huge meal - General Tso's chicken from Blue Apron. Phenomenal.

Back again - fell asleep on couch downstairs with the Mrs. now up to bed around 945.

Good night world.

Day 5: Rock Bottom

Wow. Not a good day. Nauseous non-stop in the morning and some bad bathroom visits again. Last night we had friends over and I drank maybe a bit more than I have over the past two weeks, but I never feel like this. 

Was intimate last night - but despite best efforts - I couldn't go. Again - never happens and so I was really annoyed and frustrated. It feels so weird! THIS ISN'T ME. But, I woke up so annoyed and determined that despite all the nauseousness, I managed to go and feel better.

I slept from maybe 11pm to latest 4am, and then another 2hrs until 6am - but I was sleepy the ENTIRE day.

I didn't do much at all in the morning. I had to work unfortunately, but fortunately could do that from the couch - so i watched soccer for 6 hours and worked from 7-1. My wife went to the store with our daughter to allow me to focus on work and by the time they came home, i started feeling better. I was able to do some chores around the house (hanging bookshelves) and was good to go. 

We had a good dinner, but went upstairs pretty soon after as we both were just spent. Not many other side effects today - just continuously feeling calm.

Day 4: Emotionless

Was ok going to sleep last night. Wasn’t extremely tired, but went up around 930 and bed by 10. Woke up at 4am unable to go back to sleep. Managed to eventually, but woke up at 5:40 which is good for me considering on the weekends I would still wake up at 5am. Granted, my mind has been spinning around the arousal issue and then also work and the stuff I had to get done on the weekend.
Last night was good but seriously weird for me. I had some candid conversations with my wife around what I am feeling. I am a highly aroused man and usually just looking at her gets me going (in normal clothing et al.). And sitting there, eating dinner – I felt nothing. It really bothers me and we continued to talk about other issues in the past and while I felt sadness, my eyes welled up, but no tears. It was so extremely bizarre. I’ve read of other people online who have had the same thing – not similar – the same, exact thing. So, it is true – drugs effect each person differently and some people are wired a certain way.
It is just very different for me to have these emotions. My wife even mentioned that I was a completely different person to talk to – that I was calm and present. Present. That word really hit home.
The thing that really made me say “wtf” was when my therapist said “have you lost interest in things you used to do all the time”.
Photography – feel forced to do it and never process photos afterwards
Finances – used to be into fucking day trading, had a daily budget set out – now I don’t even know when things are due
Cooking – I am a cook. My mother taught me and I always cooked. Now I sit and drink while my wife cooks (I know, asshole). I even used to have my own food blog reviewing restaurants and was published in the city newspaper. Not even thinking twice about it now.
So, that is just a few. But, the major ones
I don’t know.

I need to find myself. I keep getting asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?”. I don’t fucking know. I’m 34 years old and I feel like my life has flown by since graduating college. I have a family, a house, a job. All good. What was interesting is that my wife mentioned that I changed when we moved into this new house – same neighborhood, but much bigger (a toddler takes up a lot of room) – and with that, a bigger payment. I knew we were going to be tight, but my father talked me into it. But I was stressed. I don’t think that got me to the point where I am today.

Day 3: Side Effects Commence

This is going to be a short post...and you'll understand why as you read...
Had bad night of insomnia – well not bad compared some other people I’m sure, but I was up after having "normal" drinks and dinner. Could not fall asleep. Stayed awake watching a show and ended around 10, and was still awake, so then I just laid in bed for another hour. I’ve never had troubles falling asleep before – this was a first. Slept straight through the night, didn’t wake up to drink water, didn’t wake up to pee – nothing. That NEVER happens. Now with that said, I woke up groggy as can be – I only got 6 hours. I did try to "go" this morning, but that didn’t happen – maybe the doctor was right about the whole side effect of ejaculation. Now still a bit groggy, but working away. Will see how this day goes. I’ll be back.
Back to having really bad bathroom visit after lunch. It was pure liquid. Read up online that this isn’t uncommon and someone who was on their Day 4 was commenting that this happened to them as well.

Day 2: Is this really happening?

Day 2
Slept decent last night, but had some intimacy as well which always helps! Woke up feeling somewhat refreshed and had energy to go downstairs and start working while waiting for the rest of the family to get ready – which hardly ever happens.
Got to work early as I had an 830am meeting to prepare for last minute and I was surprisingly calm / still able to focus on the task at hand.
The call took place and it was an intense one as we were speaking with Mckinsey people who were questioning everything
I don’t know if this is the effect of the medication or placebo or just random occurrence, but I’m liking it.
Post lunch now – almost 2:30pm. Feeling physically down and not sure if it is the medication not working, if I’m jumping back into how I used to be, or if it is just the food. Had a Firecracker Shrimp wrap with some tater tots – rather filling due to friedness and also rather salty. Betting on the food causing me to feel this way. Going to drink a lot of water and hopefully snap out of it.

Could also be related to doing my yearend review where I never think positively about my work and always wonder what else I need to do to become a director here. Rather frustrating.
Night Time:
Drinking normal - Feeling tired but awake - way awake and past my bedtime. I had a normal meal - small pizza and beers (yeah not really normal, but normal when you go out for drinks with your boss).
I am feeling calm - so that is good. Had talk with work boss today and despite having the instance of feeling angry due to his consistent interjections, I remained calm. I spoke my opinion and felt comfortable doing that for the first time in a while.
Fast forward to just past 10:30pm - I'm never up this late. But somehow, I just can't sleep. I have energy - which sucks - I just want to sleep!
Had tough talks with the better half today and it was during "going to bed" - made me question a lot as to what i want to do for real (with regards to a job). 
Need to sleep. Going to bed. 

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Day 1: And it begins...

Day 1


I took the plunge. 9 months ago I saw a therapist. Fast foreword and now I'm am asking my family doctor for anti-depressants. 

I am a 34 year old male. Married for 8 years (together 14). Daughter who is 4 years old. Combined income $150k. 

What. The. Fuck. 

I'll delve more into everything at a later time - maybe. But, this is about my experience on anti depressants. 

Day 1 of Prozac - I had a normal day after the doctor visit. I took the pill and worked through a lot of challenges at work. Came home. Felt full of energy and cleaned up the kitchen and prepped dinner. I did have some drinks as per usual but never actually felt a need. This was more out of habit than anything. 

I'm so far excited. I don't feel like passing out despite feeling tired. I know the side effects vary greatly, so we shall see what transpires.