Day 4: Emotionless

Was ok going to sleep last night. Wasn’t extremely tired, but went up around 930 and bed by 10. Woke up at 4am unable to go back to sleep. Managed to eventually, but woke up at 5:40 which is good for me considering on the weekends I would still wake up at 5am. Granted, my mind has been spinning around the arousal issue and then also work and the stuff I had to get done on the weekend.

Last night was good but seriously weird for me. I had some candid conversations with my wife around what I am feeling. I am a highly aroused man and usually just looking at her gets me going (in normal clothing et al.). And sitting there, eating dinner – I felt nothing. It really bothers me and we continued to talk about other issues in the past and while I felt sadness, my eyes welled up, but no tears. It was so extremely bizarre. I’ve read of other people online who have had the same thing – not similar – the same, exact thing. So, it is true – drugs effect each person differently and some people are wired a certain way.

It is just very different for me to have these emotions. My wife even mentioned that I was a completely different person to talk to – that I was calm and present. Present. That word really hit home.

The thing that really made me say “wtf” was when my therapist said “have you lost interest in things you used to do all the time”.

FUCKING YES.

Photography – feel forced to do it and never process photos afterwards

Finances – used to be into fucking day trading, had a daily budget set out – now I don’t even know when things are due

Cooking – I am a cook. My mother taught me and I always cooked. Now I sit and drink while my wife cooks (I know, asshole). I even used to have my own food blog reviewing restaurants and was published in the city newspaper. Not even thinking twice about it now.

So, that is just a few. But, the major ones

I don’t know.

I need to find myself. I keep getting asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?”. I don’t fucking know. I’m 34 years old and I feel like my life has flown by since graduating college. I have a family, a house, a job. All good. What was interesting is that my wife mentioned that I changed when we moved into this new house – same neighborhood, but much bigger (a toddler takes up a lot of room) – and with that, a bigger payment. I knew we were going to be tight, but my father talked me into it. But I was stressed. I don’t think that got me to the point where I am today.